


What's in a Name?

by Lady_Lannie_Queen_of_Goblins



Series: New lives, new dreams, new friends, and new beginnings [7]
Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 23:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Lannie_Queen_of_Goblins/pseuds/Lady_Lannie_Queen_of_Goblins
Summary: A short humorous story of Sarah looking for new boxers for Jareth and all the jokes that come from the many names for the crown jewels. (crack fic inspired by conversation with the fanfic group on FB and is dedicated to all of the crazy ladies involved in that conversation.)





	What's in a Name?

Sarah Williams sat on the guest bed she was sleeping on at her brother's house. Toby was an adult now and had made a good life for himself. He was a successful writer and Sarah couldn't be prouder of her little brother. Several times a year she would come and stay with him for a week or two, usually with the children and occasionally with her husband as well. This trip, she was alone though. 

It was nice to have a little time to herself, but after three days she was missing her husband and children. Sighing, she grabbed the laptop that Toby let her borrow when she came to visit. One reason for her trip was to buy gifts for the family. While there were tons of wonderful things at home, there were just somethings that you couldn't get in the Underground. Usually Sarah got a new sexy nightie for herself and a pair or two of boxer briefs for Jareth. They always joked about making sure he had the proper support for the crown jewels. Since he complained about the ridiculousness of the cartoon characters on them, she had refrained from buying any with designs on them. Grinning, Sarah thought of his horrible carrot joke when he was wearing the loony toons ones she had given him. She debated getting him another pair with characters on them just as a joke, but what characters?

Before she could make a decision, there was a knock on the door. “Hey sis are you decent?” Toby called from the other side of the door.

“Come on in Tobes.”

Toby opened the door with a giant grin on his face. He loved having his sister with him. It was tough on him when she had moved to the Underground, but the fact that she visited when ever she could made it much easier, that and having the Goblin King for a brother-in-law was always amazing. What other little boy could call on the goblins when he was lonely? “Hey sis, you've got a visitor.” Toby stepped aside so their guest could peek in the room. 

“Hi Sarah, sorry to bother you when you're on vacation.” The blue haired girl said apologetically. 

“Lannie, come on in.” Sarah sat the laptop down and stood to greet her. “Did Jareth send you?”

“No, actually he is with the children visiting the High Queen and Crown Prince Jaxel.” Lannie said shyly as she looked down.

Noticing the awkwardness, Sarah looked to her brother. “Could we have a few moments alone Tobes?”

“Sure thing Sarah. I need to head to the store anyway.” He smiled. “Lannie are you joining us for dinner?”

Looking up, she looked from Toby to Sarah and back to Toby. “Oh no. I couldn't impose.”

“Nonsense. If Jareth isn't home then you aren't needed there so you are more than welcome to stay for dinner. I insist.”

Nodding, Lannie didn't argue. “Alright, but I have to get back right after dinner. I still have a lot to do to prepare for the Grand Hunt and the Samhain celebration.”

Toby nodded and left the girls alone, closing the door behind him. Sarah waited for him to leave and then looked at the young adviser. Lannie was close to the same age as Toby, but for the last year she had been living at the Castle beyond the Goblin City acting as the royal adviser to the King and Queen. At least she tried to be. Jareth tended to use her more as a babysitter, nurse, and errand girl that an adviser Sarah on the other hand valued her advice and loved having her around. She had befriended the Goblin King years previous when she had called on him in a moment of despair. A deal had been struck and 11 years later Lannie was brought to the Underground and changed into a Fae. She had adjusted well to the change and even began to accuire her own magic, which was unusual for an adult that underwent the change, but worked out in her favor. She certainly needed magic to keep up with the royal family.

“Alright Lannie, spill it.”

“What?”

“There's something you don't want Jareth to know about isn't there? Otherwise you would have gone to see him at the palace. You only come to see me when he's in a foul mood, it involves him, or you don't want him to know. So which is it?” Sarah questioned.

Laughing, Lannie shook her head. “I should have known better than to try and hide anything from you. I actually don't know how to react myself and telling Jareth is the last thing I want to do at the moment. You know how protective and possessive he can be.”

“Do I ever.” Sarah replied with a chuckle. She went and sat on the bed and motioned for Lannie to join her. When the young girl had joined her on the bed, Sarah took her hand. “So what's bothering you?”

“Crown Prince Jaxel.” Lannie whispered.

“Jax? What has my brother-in-law done? If he's been rude or inappropriate neither I nor Jareth will stand for it. You may have been human, but you're now Fae and part of our Kingdom and we both consider you part of the family as well.”

“No, no its nothing like that.” Lannie said quickly. “Its just... well I'm not sure how to behave around him. I know the proper etiquette with him being Crown Prince and all, but well since our first meeting I feel extremely embarrassed whenever I see him and I'm not sure if he's teasing me like Jareth does or if he's trying to be polite. I know they're brothers but they are so different.”

Sarah smirked. “What kind of things has he said?” She had a suspicion she knew what was going on. 

“Well when he first saw my blue hair he asked about it and I told him how it was a mistake when I was trying to use magic to change clothes and how I didn't let you or Jareth fix it because I liked it. He called me a little blue bell.”

Sarah couldn't help but laugh. She knew about Jaxel's love for blue bells and if he called her one then she was correct in thinking that he might like her young adviser “Well that's not a bad thing. Blue bells are beautiful flowers.” Sarah explained. “I happen to know that Jax likes those flowers very much. So that was a grand compliment from him. Anything else?”

“When ever he's at the castle its almost like he's following me. No matter where I go he's there. I go to take Jareth the daily reports and he's there. I go to fetch your morning tea and he's in the kitchen. I even tried going places that are not part of my daily routine and he was there. I randomly went walking in the garden with Tara and he found us by the fountain. He also asked me not to be so formal. I'm just not sure how to act around him. It took close to a year for me to stop thinking of Jareth as Goblin King. I know Jareth won't be upset if I accidentally do something that isn't the proper formality when I should, but he's the Crown Prince. I don't know how to act normally, much less in an informal way.”

Sarah nodded. “I see. So Jaxel is being flirty, a bit stalkerish, and getting you all mixed up. Sounds like someone else I know.” Sarah patted her leg. “I'll have a talk with him and Jareth will need to know as well. I think he'll have fun teasing Jax. Now what prompted this need to talk to me?”

“The invitations to the annual Samhain celebration at the palace arrived.” Lannie explained.

“As we were expecting. They come every year. Ta'leena keeps hoping we'll attend since Jareth refuses to host the entire court at the castle.” Sarah responded.

“This time there were three invitations.”

“What?” Sarah's eyes grew wide in shock.

“I received one as well.” Lannie said as she handed the invitation to Sarah.

Sarah read it and grinned. “Well I guess we have to get you a ball gown.”

“What? No, I can't... I mean... But I have so much to do at the castle.”

“Don't worry about it. You're going and I'll deal with the goblins. I handled them for many years with out you. Now since I'll be helping you with the ball, I need you to help me now.”

“Of course, I'll gladly help. What can I do?”

“I was looking at gifts to get for Jareth and the kids and well I'm not sure which one I want to get Jareth.” Sarah explained as she grabbed the laptop. She placed it in front of Lannie, who blushed seeing the items. “I wanted to get at least one pair with cartoons on it as a joke, but I can't pick.”

“I'm not sure I'm really qualified to help you pick out underwear for the King.” Lannie said nervously. She was also trying not to smirk at the idea of the mighty Goblin King in cartoon boxers.

“As I said its a joke. I got him a pair of loony toon ones years ago. He refused to wear them for a long time. Saying they were ridiculous. He finally wore them just to make me happy.” Sarah started laughing as she thought about it. “Of all the nights to wear them, he did it on a night he had a concert as Jaye Kingston.”

“Oh no!” Lannie covered her mouth trying not to laugh. “He didn't flash the crowd did he?” Kingston was known for his seductive dancing and occasionally teasing the crowd with a glimpse of the top of his underwear as he acted like he was going to strip. 

“No luckily he didn't do his stripper number that night.” Sarah was almost glaring at the mental image of her husband. She always hated when he played stripper. That was was something she felt needed to be reserved for the privacy of their bedroom. “No I was the only one that saw them. In his dressing room.”

“Oh it was one of those nights.” Lannie smirked. She knew all about Sarah pretending to be a groupie. 

“Yea he thought the mood was killed when I started giggling at them.” Sarah shook her head. “Then he had to make a horrible joke about biting his carrot.”

“Carrot? Are you kidding me?” Lannie was nearly doubled over.

“No, he said it.” Sarah was laughing as well. “He made a bugs bunny joke and he didn't even know who bugs bunny was. He just knew there was a rabbit on his boxers.”

“Oh boy.” Lannie laughed as she glanced at the computer screen. “Oh the jokes that could be made with almost every pair on here.”

“I know.” Sarah agreed. She pointed to a pair with Donkey Kong on them. “Is that a banana or are you just happy to see me?”

Lannie shook her head. “That's bad. So bad.”

Pointing to a pair with Woody Woodpecker. “What about those?”

“Oh Gods.” Lannie cringed. “Woody, Wood, and Pecker. All three are names for... I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you.” The two laughed as they kept looking through the selection of undergarments. “What about Mario?”

Sarah looked at them. “Well could definitely say Jareth has a nice pipe and his plumbing works very well.”

“You're worse than I thought.” Lannie shook her head. “I was thinking that Mario is Italian.”

“Italian Sausage?” Sarah thought about it. “Nah he seems more British than Italian with his accent. Maybe a pair with James Bond on them. Ask him if he knows where he wants to point that gun.”

“These are images I don't need in my head Sarah.” Lannie said as she looked for a pair without a penis joke connected to them.

“Here's a pair with Link from Zelda.” Lannie pointed out.

“Well I know the location of the Master Sword.” Sarah giggled.

Groaning, Lannie kept looking. Oh look here's a Batman pair.” Lannie couldn't think of a way Sarah could turn that into a penis joke.

Sarah looked. They were all black with the Batman logo in front. She smirked. “Well I know how to turn on the bat signal.”

Lannie sighed and kept scrolling. “Do the people that design these things do it on purpose? They have ones with snakes, hot dogs, swords, light sabers, rakes and hoes, and turtles...?”

Sarah looked at the screen. “Turtles? Well that isn't exactly something that comes to mind when thinking of Jareth's crown jewels now is it?”

“I try not to think of the King's scepter.” Lannie covered her mouth. “Oh Gods now you've got me doing it!” 

Sarah laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes. “Don't worry he won't get mad. He'll probably be amused by it. Hell might even increase that ego of his. And if he does get annoyed its his own fault for flaunting it so.” She wiped her eyes. “Beside I know its really Jax's steel rod that you think about.” She teased. 

“SARAH!”

~*~*~*~///.../// ~*~*~*~

The two continued browsing through the site and making jokes about each design they came across. Who knew there were so many euphemisms for a man's penis. Sarah finally decided on three pairs to get Jareth and tried to get Lannie to buy a pair or two for Jaxel, just in case she needed them later. 

By the time Lannie returned to the castle that night, she felt extremely dirty and not in the covered in sweat and mud way. She wondered if there was a way to wash images from the mind. She also wondered how Sarah got to be such a pervert, probably from being married to Jareth for so long. Sighing, she retired to her room to prepare for bed, only to find someone waiting for her. “And where have you been?”

Lannie jumped hearing his voice. She looked up to see a very pissed off Goblin King leaning against her door. “Jareth, you scared the crap out of me. I thought you were staying at the palace for the night?”

“I had planned to, but someone neglected to inform me that my children have learned to blow things up. Mother is missing 3 rooms of the west wing now. Just what made you think teaching them human magic tricks was a good idea?” Jareth glared.

“Human magic? Wait you mean the little science projects I do with them? How did they blow anything up with that?” Lannie was truly confused. All she showed them was how to make a volcano, blowing up a soda bottle with some candy, and changing colors of things with chemical reactions.

“What is basic science to you and most humans is a dangerous thing if mixed with Fae magic. They repeated your little projects and enhanced the reactions with magic.” Jareth explained as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I'm tired and the children are finally in bed. I wish to go see Sarah, if she's awake. I was hoping to leave the children with their favorite auntie only to find my trusted adviser was not here. So where were you?”

“With Sarah.” She said timidly. “I needed to speak with her about something. Toby asked me to stay for dinner and Sarah insisted that I stay. I returned to the castle right after that.”

“So she is still awake?” Jareth asked. Lannie nodded. “Good. I leave the hellions in your care for the night. I shall return in the morning.” Jareth tossed a crystal in the air and with a loud pop, he was gone. Lannie sighed and went to check on the children before going to bed herself.

~*~*~*~///...///~*~*~*~

Sarah was in her room, preparing for bed when she heard the knock on the window. Seeing the familiar barn owl at the window, she smiled and opened the window for him. “Lannie said you were visiting Jax.”

“I was.” He replied as he wrapped his arms around his wife. “The Goblin Princess and Prince nearly got themselves banned from the palace. Someone taught them human tricks for fun, which our lovely children decided would be better if they enhanced them with magic.”

Sarah laughed as he started kissing her neck. “Oh no, was Ta'leena furious?”

“Extremely.” His hands were roaming her body and it was very obvious to Sarah that talking isn't what Jareth came for.

“What did she do?”

Sighing, Jareth pulled back to look at his wife. “She forbade them from using magic in her home until they are capable of controlling themselves and asked that we leave immediately. Imagine my surprise to return home to find my trusted babysitter wasn't there. I wanted to join you here the moment the children were home.”

“Sorry I kept her here. I didn't think you would need her since you were away.” Sarah admitted. “We had a lovely time and I need to talk to you about your brother.”

“Can it wait til morning?” Jareth asked as he rubbed her ass. “I really do not wish to discus him right now. I do not wish to discuss anything right now except getting you undressed and into bed.” Jareth captured her lips in a passionate kiss before she could protest. Soon clothes were scattered on the floor and two happy monarchs were wrapped in each others arms enjoying one another.

~*~*~*~///...///~*~*~*~

Hours later, Sarah sat up and found Jareth still awake. “I thought you were sleeping?”

“I was. I woke moments ago. I didn't wish to disturb you so I was simply laying here thinking.” Jareth explained.

“Thinking about what?” Sarah asked as she nuzzled his neck.

“Oddly enough my brother. He wishes us to bring Lannie to the Samhain celebration with us.”

“Yea, I know. Lannie got her own personal invite. That's what she came to talk to me about. I think your brother is wanting to woo our adviser”

“Well he can't have her.” Jareth almost pouted. “She's our adviser and she's needed at the castle. He has is own supply of servants and advisers...”

“Jareth I think she likes him too.” Sarah interrupted his rant. “We had quite an interesting conversation today about you and your brother.”

“Oh? Should I be worried?” Jareth looked at her with a curious grin.

“Well she admitted she tried not to think of your scepter, but didn't deny it when I asked if she was thinking about Jax's steel rod.” Sarah giggled.

“My scepter?” Jareth wasn't sure he was following what his wife was saying. “I don't have a...”

“Oh yes you do.” She stated as he hand wrapped firmly around the piece of his anatomy that was in question. 

“Ah, well you two were certainly having an interesting conversation.” He grinned. “And just how did the crown jewels get brought into your little conversation?”

“We got talking about all the names people have for a man's penis and all the horrible jokes that are made using these names.” Sarah informed him as she slowly stroked him.

“Hopefully none of these names are an insult to your favorite toy.” Jareth closed his eyes as she pleasured him. 

“Don't worry we would never call it a cute slug or little turtle.” Sarah chuckled. 

“I'm not even going to ask.” Jareth said as he ran his fingers through her hair. 

“Names used to refer to a guy when he's limp. Even limp those don't apply to you my love.” Sarah told him as she kissed his chest.

“Then just what names would you use to refer to me Precious?”

“Banana.” She licked his nipple. “Popsicle, sausage, meat stick, or hot dog are a few.”

Jareth chuckled. “Not sure if I like my manhood being called food. While I do enjoy the things you do to it with your glorious mouth and tongue I don't need you biting my carrot.”

Sarah laughed and shook her head. “And that is what started the conversation. I told Lannie about the Bug Bunny joke.”

Jareth groaned. “Does this mean I have to model those ridiculous boxers again?”

“Only if you want to, though I may have some other things you can model later.” Sarah replied.

Sighing, Jareth covered his eyes with one hand. “Oh the embarrassment my poor staff must endure to please my wife.”

“You're fault for flaunting your sword of power.” Sarah teased. “But you can't complain too much. You do enjoy when I juggle your balls.” To empathize her point she gentle massaged his sac in her hand as she kissed down his chest to his stomach. “Now how about I see if I can make this rooster crow.” Sarah moved lower until she was between his legs and Jareth smiled as his wife used her mouth and tongue on him. The rest of the night was spent making love and teasing each other with bad names and horrible jokes about parts of their anatomy. In the end it didn't matter what you called it. All that mattered was they both knew how to use it to drive the other crazy.


End file.
